Curiousity killed my procrastination
To delete or not to delete? That is the question.
Like most of us, I am guilty of obsessive, mindless, unfulfilling doom scrolling.
Shifting between Tiktok, Instagram, Pinterest, or what have you for hours on end, unable to stop but incessantly bored. Knowing you should get up and move around, knowing dinner needs cooking, the laundry needs done, you have that book you’ve been wanting to read, and yet being glued down wherever you are, the only things in motion being your thumb and eyeballs.
You watch videos of people talking about how great they felt when they took a hiatus- deleting their apps (not the accounts, of course), and doing a 7-day cleanse from their cell phone. They gush about how fulfilling it was after a few days of getting back to their hobbies, their loved ones, and themselves.
…and then on day 8, they get right back on to vlog about it.
It’s simply impossible. Too much of our discourse and connection depends on the cute little icons on the homescreen.
Who would talk to us if we didn't have the ease of Snapchat? How would we know our cousin had her baby if we’re not on Facebook? Who would know that I sat in a coffee shop for 2 hours pretending to read but actually spent it cyber-stalking that cutie who doesn't know I exist?
But I did it. Despite the fear of losing friends and feeling disconnected from the rest of the world, I bit the bullet and deleted everything. Even games, and other apps that did not directly correlate to official business or something educational (Duolingo will NEVER leave, mostly because that bird is threatening as hell).
I had a goal to reach and a business to get up-and-running and I knew I’d never have the willpower to focus if I didn't fully eliminate the distraction.
And it worked!
I booked a client, finalized my website and started this blog (heyyyyyyy!). Then I booked another client. I started reading again, and quality time with my closest people was uninterrupted by trivial laughs and melodrama.
On the flipside, I slowly began to realize how much I was missing out on. I’d removed main methods of communication from my social circles, and now counted on phone calls and in-person hangouts to keep me updated and connected. In the same way I realized I’d have to make a more concerted effort to reach out to others, I realized others were not making that same effort to reach out to me.
Aside from my parents, I had no idea what was going on with 85% of my people. And this idea returned again, and again. When nobody attended my equinox party, my roommate told me that my disappointment was ill-directed, as I was unaware of the qualms our friends were currently enduring. When I was in social settings, I had to sit out of current pop-culture conversations because none of it had been discussed outside of an app I was no longer participating in.
I felt so alone and separated.
The most important things were communicated via mouth, but the nonsense stuff and little laughs were lacking. And I felt the gap. Even though my decision was for my own good, the loneliness as repercussion was not anticipated at the level I was experiencing. I certainly wasn’t losing friends, but it definitely felt like it.
Even in childhood, my mother would tell me that those who are “real” friends would stick around though whatever, while those who weren't would fall away. I don’t think that concept is entirely fair as an adult, but it begs a question: is this “loss” really a loss, or have I gained something instead?
My close circle, my “best” friends, were still around eagerly and without falter. Those friends just outside that inner circle, and those beyond it still, though, had to make the extra effort the same way I did. It was no longer as easy as a double-tap on their post, or a DM sent to my inbox to know how the other was doing and what was new in our lives. Now, it took an extra minute or so to text or call unprompted to say “i've been thinking of you, how are you?”
Those that don't, are they fake? Were they never my friends to begin with? Are they even worth keeping around? I dont think it's quite that dramatic.
Everyone has a life, has stress, has priorities. I’d never fault the ones I care about for that. And in this app-void I’ve found growth. The ones who I am closest with only found our connections growing deeper. The one or two souls who were active in their effort to reciprocate with me also found a deeper friendship. This time with friends has truly become quality time. I’ve been able to take more time to be intentional with my thoughts and actions. I can appreciate the beauty of the present moment. I am more compassionate with others and my patience has exceeded what I ever thought was possible for my million-miles-a-minute brain.
Despite the isolation, my heart was full.
I found myself fulfilled and happy that I still had people to count on and that I wasn’t truly alone in this journey.
When asked how I was, I could gleefully respond about my milestones with copy writing, and the knowledge I’d gained since. My mom would ask about my relationship and I had nothing but beautiful things to say about our growing affection for one another. My connection to spirit and myself have also deepened, the intuitive messages ringing truer and my path becoming clearer.
It’s not forever, though. Social media isn't just for fun, it's damn-near essential for any business to thrive in today’s world, even more so for that of a freelancer. My hiatus will come to an end eventually and I will be forced to learn how to focus my drive when the distraction is present. Perhaps my fallen connections will rekindle, or perhaps they won't. I may feel more connected, or just the same. Either way the experience has been invaluable.
The answers I’ve found just lead to more questions.
Who do I want around me? What sort of influence does social media have on me, on my peers? How can I achieve a better balance between the virtual and the actual?
I’ve already learned so much in this experience. This time away from thumbing away my time has given me the gift of consideration and analysis. My conversations bring forth more empathy, my listening skills have sharpened. I understand people better now, and myself. I have more time for self-care (the real kind!), and have a fuller cup to pour into others’.
So stay curious, my friends. It’s the only way to grow.
~Ryan
